Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Working it out...

Blog-

So here's the first of maybe many vents to the blogging community. Life is fun and all the stuff that it throws out at you. I get so frustrated with certain aspects and recently its been work. Whenever I have a deep down inside issue I never let anyone know and I never let it get out. That's just the type of person I am and it will never change. My ex of 16 months already tried and it never truly worked. So for the past 3 months at work I have acted like everything is going great when really deep down inside I'm troubled with quite a bit. My dilemma is that I don't trust my boss to be confidential, a lot of issues are about his wife and her role at work, and the fact that I've gotten betrayed in the past. I don't trust my boss because he used to be my boss, then I got promoted so we were co workers and then he was promoted again to my boss so its really tough to let him be that again after we became friends. I feel like I know more about my job than he does and he tells me that I do. I'm never the best person at work in their (all the boss') minds yet I never get feedback for how to improve. Just that I'm doing awesome and I'm one of the best performers yet never the best and never feedback on how to get there. The only reason that has ever been given is because of the length of my performance in my current role. That could make complete sense except the boss' wife has been in her similar position for less amount of time yet she is technically better than me. I feel like I've gotten betrayed because he wasn't honest with me about things because that can't be an honest reason. Its giving feedback for the sake of feedback but not being honest in my mind. The other reason that I feel like I've gotten betrayed is because I was offered a move to a better department and was told that it was my position if I wanted it because I was the best he had working for him but I wanted to be fair to everyone else and interview. None the less there were no interviews and the position and it was appointed to everyone else and I was told the reason I didn't get the position was because it was better for the company to leave me where I was. So in my mind they didn't have my best interest in mind. So if the company isn't looking out for me then I must look out for myself. I'm not the only one who feels like this at work and its frustrating to all of us because we're scared to go to management in fear of retribution and lack of raises, promotions,etcetera.

So that's the problem. How it is getting fixed is kinda up in the air. I'm debating moving to a new department because I fear that this department can't get their act together. The shining moment in this is that my boss started to freak out a little bit and get worried about me leaving saying that the department I was over will fall apart without me there. My only question is, if I'm so vital then why haven't you done more to keep me? Why am I not one of the best? More areas that are problems is that I feel like I've stop progressing where I currently am. So that is also why I would like to be transferred. Back to the shining moment, my boss freaking out. He freaked out so he talked to his boss and his boss pulled me aside and we talked for 45 minutes about everything. He actually got me and everything that I had in my mind. I told him everything that was on my mind because none of it involved him in my mind. It involved his subordinates and the issues I had with them. It really is the only thing that's keeping me where I am and I hate to be like that. The issue I see coming up with is that I don't know if I will ever can trust my boss again. Its going to be too hard to just be open and candid about everything when I feel like I have gotten betrayed. I don't honestly know what to do in the situation. Its a hard place to be in because at every other job I would have quit by now because of the lack of a challenge. So what I really need to do is give myself a challenge. The problem for me is finding that challenge when all expectations have been met and exceeded in my eyes and in the eyes of my superiors. I have a hard time getting mad at myself about tiny little things that don't affect (don't know if that's the right effect/affect) my performance.

So tomorrow (what is now today) I will haver lunch with my bosses boss right before going to an interview for my transfer. I don't know what to honestly do and I hope my bosses boss can help me address some of the issues about everything. Because if they're not addressed then it may be the last lunch I have with him. Life is fun...

-Salem

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