Blog-
Always so many thoughts running through my head that its not funny. I knew when this week started that it was going to be a bad week. I just had this really really huge feeling that it would and it hasn't let me down yet. From my bank account getting locked up because someone tried to access it which caused like 6 overdraft fees, to once again work stressing me out. Because I spoke my mind about not being happy I dropped in all the managers eyes and its true cause I saw their rankings today and i slid big time. That's okay...I don't really care what they think or anyone besides my family. No one else really loves me so it doesn't matter to me. I want to get out of my current department once again because I want a bigger challenge and I want to get paid to take that challenge. I'm not a money grabber but we could all use more and I need to get to a place that will truly challenge me. I decided to stick with Psych no matter what. I need to work a job that I'm the boss that way it is all on me to succeed or fail. Its just what I need. I can't do the corporate thing. It just doesn't work for me. So that's settled and I'm going to be done with school ASAP because I need to get out of here. I can't take it. Its killing me being in this place with few if any true friends. I've never been one to amass tons of friends. I like having a close 5 or 6 that I always do stuff with. Its much easier to trust them then. I have maybe 2 or 3 at this point in my life up here. I don't have time to make tons of friends. That doesn't bother me cause I'm about ready to reenter the reclusive stages of my life where I do what I need to do and don't worry about being social. Outside of a possible date this weekend, that's my last true social event.
Dating is an always frustrating thing to everyone at some point in their life. I'm just like everyone else that I'm sick of it and trying. Right now I just don't try enough because I don't think the other person cares at all about dating and just is worrying about themselves. Hard for me to invest time and effort into something that isn't going to do me any good. I know you're probably thinking "wow he thinks too much about it, its just dating". But at the same time I don't want a girl to think "we're just dating" or not caring or thinking about it. That is never a girl that I want to date even though I've been stuck with several in my past experiences. Life is fun. That's really all it boils down to. No one can argue that fact. I'm going to get out of my current department into a real one that will challenge me and get out of here and onto graduate school ASAP. Get done with that and start to finally enjoy life. Cause right now the joy in life is so far and few that its tough. I don't enjoy much more at all. Not music, games, movies, tv. I really only enjoy sports and that's just about it. That and being with my family. My mom told me today that they're going to put our dog to sleep and I'm really saddened about that because that dog is family. 14 years of my life with that dog. She knows me better than most. I can just go out and talk to her and sit down with her and enjoy doing nothing. Love that dog. That was a really random tangent but that dog is the 7th member of our family. So anywho's when I figure out how this weekend goes I will let you know. If the date turns into something then I bet I avoid the recluse stage. If it doesn't then who knows. Love life...
-Salem
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sometimes
Blog-
Sometimes you just wonder. That's been me recently. Ever since deciding to stay in my current position I wonder if it was the right thing to do. I love where I am at no matter how unchallenging the job may be. Its just nice to interact with the same people on a day to day basis. Right now I'm at a point where I just kind of shut myself off from the world. My roommate is gone now so I miss that social interaction. I've given up on dating right now because it just causes me to get too emotionally involved with everything. Its just an interesting time. I'm debating taking 21 credits and working full-time just to make sure 100% of my time is occupied with something. I joined back up in football to give me something to work towards because my job doesn't give me that anymore. That'll be a nice release to just be myself. I honestly don't know what to think about everything in my life. I just changed my major for the last time I swear. Now it's something that will set my up for a corporate job and no longer working for myself. I'm okay with this because I know I can be happy this way and I don't mind the 8-5 grind that everyone else hates. It's fine with me for now.
Financially everything is going well but at the same time I want more money. Who doesn't is the better question? I think what everything kinda boils down to is a slight lack of self worth. (maybe i should still be a psych major). Ever since my 16 month relationship died (my first and probably only true relationship so far in my life, no offense to the other ones) things have been crazy. I lost a lot of my energy and approach to life. Things kinda suck like that but I'm okay with that. I don't have to be the socialite that I was in high school and before/during that relationship. I've kinda found a new me since coming to school 1800 miles from "home". Its a new me that is a little more timid at first. A me that thinks about everything and plans every aspect of my life and strangely at the same time plan none of it. A me that only truly trusts myself. I'm okay with all of that because I can't complain about this junction in my life. I just wonder what the post college me will bring in a year. If I will be the same. If I will revert back to the old me or if a new me will form. I think it's the last one because I will move away from everyone and everything and form a new me. I've already decided that I will legally change my name to clear everything and start anew. Some people may call that running away from my problems but I don't have any problems. They have all been addressed and I'm fine with it all no matter what the consequence. I just love the idea of reforming who you are in life. That's not always an option for most. If your single and post college yes. If you're married or in college or high school its not unless you move to a place where no one knows you.
So anywho's I'm kinda just content doing my own thing right now and at a "beat" of a different drummer. I think after my already planned dates that I won't go on anymore for a while until I get that urge again. I think I will become a little more reclusive just because I need to do my own thing and if I'm a socialite then I'm setting myself up to become attached to others which right now isn't what I need because attachment hasn't ever gotten me anywhere. Why would it surprise me now. Sometimes you just wonder...
-Salem
Sometimes you just wonder. That's been me recently. Ever since deciding to stay in my current position I wonder if it was the right thing to do. I love where I am at no matter how unchallenging the job may be. Its just nice to interact with the same people on a day to day basis. Right now I'm at a point where I just kind of shut myself off from the world. My roommate is gone now so I miss that social interaction. I've given up on dating right now because it just causes me to get too emotionally involved with everything. Its just an interesting time. I'm debating taking 21 credits and working full-time just to make sure 100% of my time is occupied with something. I joined back up in football to give me something to work towards because my job doesn't give me that anymore. That'll be a nice release to just be myself. I honestly don't know what to think about everything in my life. I just changed my major for the last time I swear. Now it's something that will set my up for a corporate job and no longer working for myself. I'm okay with this because I know I can be happy this way and I don't mind the 8-5 grind that everyone else hates. It's fine with me for now.
Financially everything is going well but at the same time I want more money. Who doesn't is the better question? I think what everything kinda boils down to is a slight lack of self worth. (maybe i should still be a psych major). Ever since my 16 month relationship died (my first and probably only true relationship so far in my life, no offense to the other ones) things have been crazy. I lost a lot of my energy and approach to life. Things kinda suck like that but I'm okay with that. I don't have to be the socialite that I was in high school and before/during that relationship. I've kinda found a new me since coming to school 1800 miles from "home". Its a new me that is a little more timid at first. A me that thinks about everything and plans every aspect of my life and strangely at the same time plan none of it. A me that only truly trusts myself. I'm okay with all of that because I can't complain about this junction in my life. I just wonder what the post college me will bring in a year. If I will be the same. If I will revert back to the old me or if a new me will form. I think it's the last one because I will move away from everyone and everything and form a new me. I've already decided that I will legally change my name to clear everything and start anew. Some people may call that running away from my problems but I don't have any problems. They have all been addressed and I'm fine with it all no matter what the consequence. I just love the idea of reforming who you are in life. That's not always an option for most. If your single and post college yes. If you're married or in college or high school its not unless you move to a place where no one knows you.
So anywho's I'm kinda just content doing my own thing right now and at a "beat" of a different drummer. I think after my already planned dates that I won't go on anymore for a while until I get that urge again. I think I will become a little more reclusive just because I need to do my own thing and if I'm a socialite then I'm setting myself up to become attached to others which right now isn't what I need because attachment hasn't ever gotten me anywhere. Why would it surprise me now. Sometimes you just wonder...
-Salem
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