Blog-
Another day in my life. Today was happily better and a little less stressful. Most everything on my mind is work related but at times it drifts upon schooling/finances and the ladies. Work was good. I went to lunch with my bosses boss to a Sushi bar and we talked. I stayed up really late last night "ideating" (ibm commercial) and came up with several ideas about how to improve many facets at work. It was really night and I gave it to him at lunch and got to know him better. Spilled some soy sauce on my favorite tie but I've never been the cleanest eater. So we talked and had a good time and it was good to see him on a personal level. He asked about me as a person and got my life story. Everything from Dallas, To Peru. To Denise to Abby. He knew a lot about me. Its just the the candid person that he is. So everything went smooth and then I had my interview for the transfer. That went by without a hitch in my mind and I really enjoyed the whole process. 2nd interview on Friday. After that I just worked hard and tried to enjoy everything with my colleagues and the people who I'm over. Planned a lot about the future of the company and the role my department plays and got ready to move around my team on Monday with the addition of a new team.
The taxing part came in my weekly one-on-one meeting with my boss. Things were nice and we talked about my team and my ideas for all of work. It really frustrated me when he told me that he sat down with his boss and talked to the hiring manager for the position that I'm debating transferring into and said that he would be a fool not to hire me and pretty much told me that the position was mine unless I completely blow it. That frustrates me! No where in my life do I ever want someone to petition for me. If I get promoted, a raise, more responsibility I want it to be because I deserve it and not because someone petitioned for me. If higher level management can't see how hard of a worker I am then I don't want them to promote me or give me a raise. The problem arises when they're always looking at the people that my manager brings up to them instead of getting to know us by himself. Its quite frustrating.
On the financial side things are going well and I'm doing more than fine for my needs right now and its nice to have some play money. School is frustrating me because I have a future in the company I work for but my major is too complex for the job. I could "dumb" down my major to communications or something like that and work just fine for the company. Instead I ride out this Psych major because I don't know if the typical corporate environment is whats best for me. I like the idea of being a teacher or owning my own business but I know I can make six figures climbing the corporate ladder. The problem with that idea is risking the ladder falling and me with it whereas if I work my own business or as a professor there is more stability in my mind.
The 3rd factor is relationships. Girls are really funny to me at school here. I'm not the dating around type. Its just not the way I was raised and I tried it once and it got me into nothing but trouble. So I debate even going out on dates because of my past experiences. Its so hard to just risk it all again. Once you've gone from love to nothing its hard because you want love so much again in your life. Yea I know its the sappy emotionalist in me but what can I say. Anywhos I wish girls would just say their intentions. Much easier...
Okay there's a party starting up at my house and I guess I should be out there instead of in my room blogging away to "How's it going to be" by third eye blind
-Salem
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Working it out...
Blog-
So here's the first of maybe many vents to the blogging community. Life is fun and all the stuff that it throws out at you. I get so frustrated with certain aspects and recently its been work. Whenever I have a deep down inside issue I never let anyone know and I never let it get out. That's just the type of person I am and it will never change. My ex of 16 months already tried and it never truly worked. So for the past 3 months at work I have acted like everything is going great when really deep down inside I'm troubled with quite a bit. My dilemma is that I don't trust my boss to be confidential, a lot of issues are about his wife and her role at work, and the fact that I've gotten betrayed in the past. I don't trust my boss because he used to be my boss, then I got promoted so we were co workers and then he was promoted again to my boss so its really tough to let him be that again after we became friends. I feel like I know more about my job than he does and he tells me that I do. I'm never the best person at work in their (all the boss') minds yet I never get feedback for how to improve. Just that I'm doing awesome and I'm one of the best performers yet never the best and never feedback on how to get there. The only reason that has ever been given is because of the length of my performance in my current role. That could make complete sense except the boss' wife has been in her similar position for less amount of time yet she is technically better than me. I feel like I've gotten betrayed because he wasn't honest with me about things because that can't be an honest reason. Its giving feedback for the sake of feedback but not being honest in my mind. The other reason that I feel like I've gotten betrayed is because I was offered a move to a better department and was told that it was my position if I wanted it because I was the best he had working for him but I wanted to be fair to everyone else and interview. None the less there were no interviews and the position and it was appointed to everyone else and I was told the reason I didn't get the position was because it was better for the company to leave me where I was. So in my mind they didn't have my best interest in mind. So if the company isn't looking out for me then I must look out for myself. I'm not the only one who feels like this at work and its frustrating to all of us because we're scared to go to management in fear of retribution and lack of raises, promotions,etcetera.
So that's the problem. How it is getting fixed is kinda up in the air. I'm debating moving to a new department because I fear that this department can't get their act together. The shining moment in this is that my boss started to freak out a little bit and get worried about me leaving saying that the department I was over will fall apart without me there. My only question is, if I'm so vital then why haven't you done more to keep me? Why am I not one of the best? More areas that are problems is that I feel like I've stop progressing where I currently am. So that is also why I would like to be transferred. Back to the shining moment, my boss freaking out. He freaked out so he talked to his boss and his boss pulled me aside and we talked for 45 minutes about everything. He actually got me and everything that I had in my mind. I told him everything that was on my mind because none of it involved him in my mind. It involved his subordinates and the issues I had with them. It really is the only thing that's keeping me where I am and I hate to be like that. The issue I see coming up with is that I don't know if I will ever can trust my boss again. Its going to be too hard to just be open and candid about everything when I feel like I have gotten betrayed. I don't honestly know what to do in the situation. Its a hard place to be in because at every other job I would have quit by now because of the lack of a challenge. So what I really need to do is give myself a challenge. The problem for me is finding that challenge when all expectations have been met and exceeded in my eyes and in the eyes of my superiors. I have a hard time getting mad at myself about tiny little things that don't affect (don't know if that's the right effect/affect) my performance.
So tomorrow (what is now today) I will haver lunch with my bosses boss right before going to an interview for my transfer. I don't know what to honestly do and I hope my bosses boss can help me address some of the issues about everything. Because if they're not addressed then it may be the last lunch I have with him. Life is fun...
-Salem
So here's the first of maybe many vents to the blogging community. Life is fun and all the stuff that it throws out at you. I get so frustrated with certain aspects and recently its been work. Whenever I have a deep down inside issue I never let anyone know and I never let it get out. That's just the type of person I am and it will never change. My ex of 16 months already tried and it never truly worked. So for the past 3 months at work I have acted like everything is going great when really deep down inside I'm troubled with quite a bit. My dilemma is that I don't trust my boss to be confidential, a lot of issues are about his wife and her role at work, and the fact that I've gotten betrayed in the past. I don't trust my boss because he used to be my boss, then I got promoted so we were co workers and then he was promoted again to my boss so its really tough to let him be that again after we became friends. I feel like I know more about my job than he does and he tells me that I do. I'm never the best person at work in their (all the boss') minds yet I never get feedback for how to improve. Just that I'm doing awesome and I'm one of the best performers yet never the best and never feedback on how to get there. The only reason that has ever been given is because of the length of my performance in my current role. That could make complete sense except the boss' wife has been in her similar position for less amount of time yet she is technically better than me. I feel like I've gotten betrayed because he wasn't honest with me about things because that can't be an honest reason. Its giving feedback for the sake of feedback but not being honest in my mind. The other reason that I feel like I've gotten betrayed is because I was offered a move to a better department and was told that it was my position if I wanted it because I was the best he had working for him but I wanted to be fair to everyone else and interview. None the less there were no interviews and the position and it was appointed to everyone else and I was told the reason I didn't get the position was because it was better for the company to leave me where I was. So in my mind they didn't have my best interest in mind. So if the company isn't looking out for me then I must look out for myself. I'm not the only one who feels like this at work and its frustrating to all of us because we're scared to go to management in fear of retribution and lack of raises, promotions,etcetera.
So that's the problem. How it is getting fixed is kinda up in the air. I'm debating moving to a new department because I fear that this department can't get their act together. The shining moment in this is that my boss started to freak out a little bit and get worried about me leaving saying that the department I was over will fall apart without me there. My only question is, if I'm so vital then why haven't you done more to keep me? Why am I not one of the best? More areas that are problems is that I feel like I've stop progressing where I currently am. So that is also why I would like to be transferred. Back to the shining moment, my boss freaking out. He freaked out so he talked to his boss and his boss pulled me aside and we talked for 45 minutes about everything. He actually got me and everything that I had in my mind. I told him everything that was on my mind because none of it involved him in my mind. It involved his subordinates and the issues I had with them. It really is the only thing that's keeping me where I am and I hate to be like that. The issue I see coming up with is that I don't know if I will ever can trust my boss again. Its going to be too hard to just be open and candid about everything when I feel like I have gotten betrayed. I don't honestly know what to do in the situation. Its a hard place to be in because at every other job I would have quit by now because of the lack of a challenge. So what I really need to do is give myself a challenge. The problem for me is finding that challenge when all expectations have been met and exceeded in my eyes and in the eyes of my superiors. I have a hard time getting mad at myself about tiny little things that don't affect (don't know if that's the right effect/affect) my performance.
So tomorrow (what is now today) I will haver lunch with my bosses boss right before going to an interview for my transfer. I don't know what to honestly do and I hope my bosses boss can help me address some of the issues about everything. Because if they're not addressed then it may be the last lunch I have with him. Life is fun...
-Salem
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