Sometimes

Blog-

Sometimes you just wonder. That's been me recently. Ever since deciding to stay in my current position I wonder if it was the right thing to do. I love where I am at no matter how unchallenging the job may be. Its just nice to interact with the same people on a day to day basis. Right now I'm at a point where I just kind of shut myself off from the world. My roommate is gone now so I miss that social interaction. I've given up on dating right now because it just causes me to get too emotionally involved with everything. Its just an interesting time. I'm debating taking 21 credits and working full-time just to make sure 100% of my time is occupied with something. I joined back up in football to give me something to work towards because my job doesn't give me that anymore. That'll be a nice release to just be myself. I honestly don't know what to think about everything in my life. I just changed my major for the last time I swear. Now it's something that will set my up for a corporate job and no longer working for myself. I'm okay with this because I know I can be happy this way and I don't mind the 8-5 grind that everyone else hates. It's fine with me for now.

Financially everything is going well but at the same time I want more money. Who doesn't is the better question? I think what everything kinda boils down to is a slight lack of self worth. (maybe i should still be a psych major). Ever since my 16 month relationship died (my first and probably only true relationship so far in my life, no offense to the other ones) things have been crazy. I lost a lot of my energy and approach to life. Things kinda suck like that but I'm okay with that. I don't have to be the socialite that I was in high school and before/during that relationship. I've kinda found a new me since coming to school 1800 miles from "home". Its a new me that is a little more timid at first. A me that thinks about everything and plans every aspect of my life and strangely at the same time plan none of it. A me that only truly trusts myself. I'm okay with all of that because I can't complain about this junction in my life. I just wonder what the post college me will bring in a year. If I will be the same. If I will revert back to the old me or if a new me will form. I think it's the last one because I will move away from everyone and everything and form a new me. I've already decided that I will legally change my name to clear everything and start anew. Some people may call that running away from my problems but I don't have any problems. They have all been addressed and I'm fine with it all no matter what the consequence. I just love the idea of reforming who you are in life. That's not always an option for most. If your single and post college yes. If you're married or in college or high school its not unless you move to a place where no one knows you.

So anywho's I'm kinda just content doing my own thing right now and at a "beat" of a different drummer. I think after my already planned dates that I won't go on anymore for a while until I get that urge again. I think I will become a little more reclusive just because I need to do my own thing and if I'm a socialite then I'm setting myself up to become attached to others which right now isn't what I need because attachment hasn't ever gotten me anywhere. Why would it surprise me now. Sometimes you just wonder...

-Salem